I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
