I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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