Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
