I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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