I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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