I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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