just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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