i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
