Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
