Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
