Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
