You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
