God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
