All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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