Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
