Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
