i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
