Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
