at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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