I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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