If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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