He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
