evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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