I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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