I wish my penis had an off switch
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You dont lie about slip and slides
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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