im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
