it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
