the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
