Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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