You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I got inside last night via doggy door
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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