the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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