My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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