She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
