why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
