My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I take back everything I said about communal showers
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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