Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
