I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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