My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
