I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
