I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
