The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
