Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
