someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
