He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
