the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Holy shit dude........stairs
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
