Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
