Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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