Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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