Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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