i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
