What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i think my mom watched the whole time
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
